Were You Thinking of Me When You Kissed Her?

It’s so hard being married to an actor.

Take that film you made last spring.

Richard, don’t glance away like that.

I have to bring it up, listen to me.

You know the scene I mean.

The one towards the end where you’re kissing the leading lady. Where the story comes together and you finally meet in the rain in the New York street after all that pursuing of her, after all the false starts, and she announces how glad she is you didn’t give up on her, because after her playing so hard to get, she’s so glad you still want her, and the rain’s a torrential downpour but you hold each other with such joy that you don’t care, and the music swells, so loud, so triumphantly… that leading lady whose name I won’t even mention because it’s like poison on my lips… and then you embrace each other and kiss each other, and I can’t stand watching that.

Yes, I know I’ve mentioned this a hundred times, and I’ll mention it a hundred times more if I have to!

I have to get this out of my system, can’t you understand?

Don’t roll your eyes like that, don’t!

The way you kiss her is so passionate.

You must have meant it.

I can’t believe it’s just acting, it’s too involved.

What? I can’t tell myself you’re a great actor and just let it go – are you crazy?

Why couldn’t you have held back a little?

It looks so full of passion, like you really love her and want to make her your world – how am I supposed to just shrug my shoulders with an image like that burned into my brain?

Do you think I don’t have any feelings?

I’d have to be made out of stone to not get upset.

What do you mean, the director told you to do it like that? Well why couldn’t you have told him you were married, and set some boundaries? Just because you’re an actor, it doesn’t mean the real world suddenly dissolves, you know.

When you’re acting a part, it doesn’t mean I don’t exist.

Tell me something. Were you thinking of me, when you kissed her? Tell me you were. I might be able to come to terms with this if I know I was still in your mind, yes?

Because then that will help me process this.

Were you thinking of me, so while you were holding her, you were really missing me – were you thinking of how lonely you were in the New York hotel during the film shoot, and how you’d like to kiss me when you got back to England, is that it?

Don’t go all quiet.

Please, I hate it when you do that.

Don’t do that.

Keep your hand in mine, don’t roll over like you can’t cope with me and I don’t exist.

The way you kiss her is so passionate, can’t you see how painful it is for me… I just… it hurts me so much…